Almost 20 years ago Christine and I moved down the shore from North Jersey to plant a church. I had been involved in starting up two other ministries while continuing to pastor our local church. Neither of them involved putting it all on the line as this new venture would. This time we left the security of a parsonage, a church building, a salary and a group of people that loved us for the pioneering of a new church from scratch--no people, no money, only a dream. The denomination that we were part of at the time gave us their blessing and said, if you come up with anything maybe we'll throw some support your way.
It was the right time to start a church in Northern Ocean county. At that time, the county was one of the fastest growing counties in the U.S.A. We could have picked up property in our target area for about $150,000 that is now going for over a million. We packed all our earthly belongings and our two preschool age children into the moving van and made the treck down the Garden State Parkway. I didn't have a stable job, or even a permanent place to live. We moved into my sister's house in Ocean Grove which was vacant for the winter, and I was a "tent-maker", making a few bucks to put food on the table by being a public speaker for the Multiple Sclerosis Society.
We started the church on Palm Sunday about six months after our move down the shore. Three years later, the congregation met on another Palm Sunday to vote the church out of existence. It was the painful culmination of three years of conflict, missed opportunities and failed leadership.
Why, you may be asking, are you dredging up all this painful stuff up after all these years. Well this morning I opened the paper and stumbled upon the obituary of one of the primary leaders of the faction in our church plant that opposed the direction our church was going and lead to its closure. This individual had written a letter that circulated around our congregation that had been very critical of me in the most personal way, focusing on such things as my struggle with my weight and the kind of clothes I wore.
The individual was not even 60 years old at the time of death. As I read the obituary, I realized that this person's life had been visited by some profound tragedies after their brief time in our church. I also realized that my interactions with this individual had been based on assumptions about the person's spiritual condition that may not have been true.
I think the most interesting thing about this obituary for me personally is that it came across my desk the Sunday after I gave a talk on the subject of "relationship fitness" which focused on our need to forgive people who have hurt us. I talked about how unforgiveness puts up a wall in our hearts and hinders revival and the presence of the Holy Spirit. As I read about the individual's life of triumphs and sorrows, I realized that the person probably rarely thought about me or the pain that was caused by the actions taken 20 years ago even though i have thought about the individual and those painful events many times over the years. I came to understand in a very personal way how true it is that unforgiveness hurts us more than it hurts the person who has wronged us.
I felt God was saying to me, "Find the unforgiveness that still lives in your heart and kill it once and for all--tear down the wall that keeps you from having true intimacy with Me." After I read the obituary I thought about the Psalms of David in which he prays down judgment on his adversaries. I suppose I could have had a feeling of vindication about this person's tragedies and untimely death. I did not. I just felt sad. I was sad for all kinds of reasons, but mainly because I never really reconciled with this person while they were still on this earth. Maybe we will have the chance to do this in heaven.
I suppose it is a risky thing to post such a personal expose' of my feeling and failures, especially if you are a member of SonRise reading this or someone who is thinking of visiting our church. All I can say is, this is me--warts and all. Please be patient with me--God is not finished with me yet.
posted @ Tuesday, February 05, 2008 10:15 AM